finally reached that empty core of winter. it's snowed about one-tenth of a prince already, and it's not even noon. i've been behaving and taking my vitamins. i've lost all inspiration...

****

from kucinich.us :

"I remember where I came from. My priority as President will be to create economic opportunities and prosperity, to rebuild America’s cities, to repair America’s neighborhoods, to restore America’s industry, to renew America’s schools, to reclaim America’s health. I will ask our Democratic Congress to pass a single-payer not for profit health care plan, Medicare for All, a Universal Pre-Kindergarten bill, a Rebuild America’s Infrastructure bill, and legislation to create a cabinet-level Department of Peace and Non-Violence, which takes Dr. King’s dream and makes it an everyday reality."

i like the idea of the cabinet department of peace and non- violence. i saw nader on the daily show last night and he is just creepy. was he that creepy in 2000??? i can't deal with 17 months of hillarys and obamas and bidens and all the rest of these con-artists. with these to pick from (if i would even vote) i'd vote for giuliani. thank god for Kucinich, and the only thing to keep my interest in any of this bullshit.

Clearing My Brain II

-Here at the Bartles and James Corporate offices I've been working on fun stuff to do. I keep a scale by the toilet. Before I have to take a bowel movement break, I weigh myself. Then after God's work is done I weigh myself again. This is quite possibly the most important work I have ever done!

-The Super Bowl was boring, but Prince is still heavily underrated in many categories of Entertainment. Interesting correlation here, Prince is from Minnesota and his favorite color is purple. The Minnesota Vikings have had purple uniforms since their inception. Anyway's great halftime show...best since Michael Jackson's like a decade ago.

-Tax time...I need money Uncle Sam, direct deposit motherfucka.

-You wouldn't believe what I do for a job these days, in fact I keep waiting for somebody to tell me to leave.

-Went to a great house-warming party the other night, house was great and all that, but the best part was that I got the chance to reconcile some hurt feelings with old roommates. That was a tough time for me and them, I'm glad we got drunk and hugged it out. I'm done living with good friends that shit never works out for me.

-DJ on Full House could have been a lot hotter, total snafu on the casting there. I don't care if she's Kirk Cameron's little sister...we are living in a different time I guess.

there really isn't any love around here. where is bartles? where is james? i used to like it here. let's get back to it...

watch THE SARAH SILVERMAN PROGRAM

cough syrup hallucinations and stubbed vaginas

because 6 out of 31 ain't bad...

I was aiming for a completely sober month. I'll accept this 6 out of 31 ratio as a modest success. I am in the early stages of another great reconstruction. I am always either climbing up or falling down. I never enjoy any time at the summit. No one ever does. Once you reach it you can plant your flag and snap a picture or two but the oxygen is way too thin up there. YOU HAVE TO COME DOWN. I was almost surprised by this calender. I've never had a ratio like this, at least not in the last seven years.
***
and i'm in an usually good mood today. even better, it's a calm and centered good mood. i just caught myself reading deepak chopra for christ's sake. i credit this mood to a request my father made of me this morning. he asked me if i might help him drag a couch outside to the curb for the garbage men in the morning. i thought, "fuck that!!! i'll do it myself", it's funner that way. there is something cathartic about throwing a couch off the front steps and dragging it through the snow. this was our cat's couch. she basically spent the last month of her little life camped out on the thing. not to mention the fact that the couch was 17 years old and just downright nasty. from this day forward evry morning will begin with the removal of some piece of furniture from this house. drink of the day: diet dr. pepper. i've said it before, and i'll say it again, any drink with phosphoric acid is a drink for me. translated: if it's good enough for institutional toilet cleansers then it's good enough for my guts....

***

not since elian gonzalez or my new years '99 y2k multicast have i been more excited by such a ridiculous news story. and thanks to these two jack-offs and their cringe-inducing press conference i finally have a name for my generation:

GENERATION DOUCHEBAG

thanks guys...

I Love A World Where I Can Watch A Bomb Squad Unit Explode A Flashing Mooninite On The News

Yankees win 2 -1 !!!

I have this quiet dead end feeling today. Woke up at 230 this morning and Blazing Saddles was on. Of course I had to watch it. My new thing is getting up early instead of staying up all fucking night. I feel better this week, tethered somehow to a sweeter kind of helplessness... There's about a foot and a half of snow in the yard and every once in awhile a squirrels head will pop up and look around, a very bizarre wack-a-mole scene. I think what was a mild winter has tricked them and now they are really fucked... I just watched the Yankees beat the Red Sox 2-1, the YES network is a truly great thing, today's classic game was from 6-6-06. I need baseball. It is such a time consuming passion of mine. Last year I was too drunk to care but this year I'm already compiling stats and following every trade rumour. I really need something productive to do, retirement is dragging on me!!!

Clearing My Brain

-I would hope most people concede that the U.S. will not go on forever. Just like all of the civilizations that we give the mystique treatment to (greeks, egyptians, mayans, mermaids) we will one day loose this land, or leave it.

-What will happen to all the art? What will survive? You have to say sculpture has the edge, things like Davis Smith's steel legos. But what's going to stick around? I think Warhol would just be overlooked as crap by that point. Luckily DVD's will not regenerate for millions of years. Now if we could design a DVD player to last longer than six months we would be in great shape.

-Why am I always broke this time of year? Oh yeah, I don't make shit for money.

-Magnolia is a great movie, specifically for the beginning sequence which illustrates some urban legends. I think all of us, when we hear a crazy strory, all us experience an explosion of imagination in our brains. That must be what imagination was like before TV.

-You Tube....poor man's tivo.

-I have entre envy

-Do not purchase a puppy or kittens, it's like picking a three year old as your best friend. Eventually you get sick of they're crying and lack of potty skills.

-A reporter went around the streets of NY asking people if they thought Barak Obama was a dangerous threat to U.S. security. They all said yes! Get ready for another "election".

-Lastly, if you don't know who Malcolm Gladwell is...go to gladwell.com...he is a really good read.

This does not exist.

but i sure do want one...

decree

Bartles and James will only be dealing with weather. Bartles and James will only be dealing with weather and television. Bartles and James will only be dealing with weather and television and baseball. Bartles and James will only be dealing with weather and television and baseball and giraffes.

• Weather- made the mistake of going outside tonight to warm up and brush off my mother's car with just my house slippers on. it was a cold that froze my toe bones then my ankle bones then my leg bones then my ass off. I'm not sure how cold a witch's tit is, but I'm sure four degrees is colder...
• Television- ace of cakes is the only television show worth watching. if i was stuck on a deserted island with only one half hour of television to watch, it would be Thursday at ten thirty on the food network. ace of cakes just fucking rocks!!!
• Baseball- i found "all" of my baseball cards today. thousands of cards I'd spent so much time and money and passion as a child collecting. i say "all" because as it turns out, my brother sold all of the one's that were worth any money for pot money when he was in high school. i would have done the same if i wasn't so high when i was in high school to realize i could have sold them.
• Giraffes- giraffes do not exist...

Weather Only

Weather will be the only topic discussed on Bartles and James... With nicotine cravings I just want to punch the snow in the nose. I believe in wind chill- I believe in lake effect- I believe this is the storm watching feeling I've been wanting for awhile. It's so bright , even without the sun. My eyes are crossed. Shovelling gives me backache and heart attack. baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.pffffffffffffffffffffffffft. what? Let's go sledding tonight! Ha!!!

...LAKE EFFECT SNOW WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL 1 PM EST FRIDAY...
THE NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE IN BUFFALO HAS ISSUED A LAKE EFFECT SNOW WARNING...WHICH IS IN EFFECT UNTIL 1 PM EST FRIDAY. THE LAKE EFFECT SNOW ADVISORY IS NO LONGER IN EFFECT.
MULTIPLE BANDS OF LAKE EFFECT SNOW WILL BECOME BETTER ORGANIZED TONIGHT AS WINDS BECOME WELL ALIGNED FROM THE NORTHWEST. ACCUMULATIONS OF 4 TO 8 INCHES ARE EXPECTED TONIGHT IN THE MOST PERSISTENT BANDS...WITH ADDITIONAL ACCUMULATIONS OF 2 TO 4 INCHES POSSIBLE ON FRIDAY. THE LAKE SNOWS ARE EXPECTED TO DIMINISH IN INTENSITY BY EARLY AFTERNOON.

THE 100TH POST

Celebrating the 100th Bartles and James post. For census reasons only the breakdown goes :

1. 59 by brother james
2. 37 by brother bartles
3. 3 by nicole never sleeps
4. 1 by goldielox (whatever became of goldielox?)

100 posts does not actually mean 100 meaningful posts. If we go back to October 19th not much has changed. At least not from Brother James' perspective. At some point I stopped looking for employment and officially retired from life. what a mess.I've quit alcohol and relapsed at least twenty times. We passed through holidays that really did not exist. Stuck in the world war. Stuck in everything. right now my car stuck in a huge pile of snow.

But I'm up always for looking forward. Bartles and James continues on towards another 100 posts. Better Brighter Faster. the rounder we go the faster we get.....

I WANT TO LIVE/ spacehog

Young girl its not only you,But only you can decide.When everythings rosey here,And you've made up your mind.
Then come back child cause its cold outside,You mama don't care and its dark in here,She said, i'm faceless and lonely,I ain't too sure But, I want to live just a little bit more.To shine like an angel, ride like a whore,I want to live just a little bit more.
Want something thats something here,Its more than money could buy.Ten dollars a guitar is a pop back then,Behind the loving she hides.
So come back child cause its cold outside,Your daddy's gone square and its dark up there.You know, i'm faceless and lonely,I ain't too sure But, I want to live just a little bit more.To shine like an angel, ride like a whore,I want to live just a little bit more.
Faceless and lonely,I ain't to sure But, I want to live just a little bit more.To shine like an angel, ride like a whore,I want to live just a little bit more.

My temple

I have posed with statues, pretended to be a professor and succeeded, posted politcal pamphlets, I've urinated, I've vomited, kicked out of school, been accepted back, slept on the floor, fallen asleep in the snow, been in car crashes, made love to women and girls, written the best stuff, failed the easiest tests, fallen off a roof, and said I'll never come back only to eat those words.

all under the watch of this clock.

the only movie worth watching

i just watched the original 192 minute version. complete with full 10 minute orchestral and police radio intermission.

I only give you my situation

Traded alcohol for xanax plus the final theatre showing of Marie Antoinette last night. I was going to go it alone as a part of my new resolution to accept my psychosis and go it alone more often but Cory wanted to come and I couldn't resist the desire for affectionate company. I am weak.
That movie gives me the most intense feeling, gorged on contentment. It's.

nice.



I invited him in for "sixty minutes" cos I'm sooo clever and cute and funny!! AH AHA. I was way too comfortable from the drugs and that movie. I was laying down on my bed with my legs up against the wall and my hair on my face going "Oh my goooddd I serioossly hate Justin Timberlake right nowwwww." Blushed cheeks and putting on the Cure and violently cuddly affection. In the morning he emailed me a story he had written about our other night together. There were bees in my closet in the story and he had to ask them not to sting me and they said okay. I'm a sucker for crazy boys who are writers and also have girlfriends, apparently.



But today I felt great. Guilt-free! Woke up covered in dried menstrual blood and went downtown to pick something up. The girl in the office at school gave me my book and said my full name like it was very magical. "Uh yeah, thats me."


"I'm in your Queer Studies class"


"Oh I'm sorry. I didn't notice"


I should've been nicer but it just doesn't come naturally. I walked all the way home in the warm spritzing rain. It felt great. I'm trying to not drink all weekend. We'll see. JC is trying to get me to go out. My husband-ish keeps texting me about how sad it is we aren't together. And Abbey Road is on again.
But oh, that magic feeling.



Oh, where to go?





Its a stretch, brother james, but I have a little hope today. Soon we'll be away from here, step on the gas and wipe that tear away.

television has blown up my mind, god dammit!!!

last night i had to decide between an all new 2 hour

Mythbusters Pirate special -

The Soprano's on A&E (which when edited for basic cable becomes a comedy) -

and two new Modern Marvels episodes on the History channel, one was about glue (naaaah) the other about balls (as in the history of sport balls: soccerball,baseball,etc...)

All of these were on between the hours of 9pm and 11pm. This was too much of a decision for me. It blew my mind up... I tried to watch them all, but ended up missing most of everything. I could never survive in the wild. I survive on luck alone, never on strength or instinct...

Oh, and the season premiere of Ace of Cakes is on tonight....yesssss.

California here we come, right back where we started from

Reason number 7,015 to love this city:


Yesterday it snowed 3 inches and the whole city shut down. My classes were cancelled, banks closed and people were crazy with joy. We sat in the bar (me, JC, KR and Adri) watching people on Hawthorne. People were straight up skiing all serious down the street. One guy was being pulled by a truck on his snowboard. JC couldn't resist the temptation to run outside and challenge some random guy across the street to a snowball fight (he accepted the challenge). We also saw that guy she fucked from the hot dog stand walking down the street with his gf. They looked pretty normal. I'll never trust anyone again.


We had a flask filled with whiskey and we were drunk by 2pm. Fashioned 'sleds' out of some random plastic thingies and went up to Mt. Tabor. I felt giddy with snow lust and warm whiskey and basically just threw myself down the hill when our 'sleds' failed miserably. It was fucking beautiful up there, all snowy. Everyone was out and about and so happy.

Hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps in front of the fireplace later. I put on Abbey Road and we were basically crying about how fucking amazing it was. We repeated it 5 times that night and my dreams had the soundtrack of "Here Comes the Sun King." Some people came over and we played old skool parlor games together, laughing forever. Slowly breaking off pieces of the Christmas tree and throwing it in the fire. We had decorated the tree with dyed tampons and so there's a huge pile of them and some tree needles on the floor.


We headed over to the bar around midnight. Me and JC had a pathetic snowball battle on the way. When we got to the bar area there were about 30 people in an across-the-street snowball war. We watched from the bar window as the cops came and then people just kept throwing snowballs at the cop car.



KR and Cory showed up from work and they said someone had moved the contruction cones on Hawthorne to block the whole street off, so their cab just ran over the cones. At this point I had been drinking for almost 12 hours and it was starting to hit me. So when the bars let out and snowball madness commenced I just felt kinda sad. I held one snowball in my hand just smoothing it to perfection. Cory asked if he should sleep in my bed. I said I guessed so. I gave him a glass of water and two orange slices. I woke him when I came to bed and we stayed up till 6am. I somehow spilled an entire glass of water onto myself and the bed so we slept together all close on the far side of the bed. It's a pretty good trick to turn a random sex night into a cuddly rendez-vous. I should send it as a tip to Cosmo.


"Do you believe in ghosts?"


"Why, do you think there's a ghost here?"


"Uh. I don't know. Do you believe in God?"


"... Yeah... Do you?"


"Yeah" I whispered, barely speaking. I kissed his forearm and he kissed my head. We woke at 9:30 when his girlfriend called 5 times in a row.


School was cancelled again today. I swear to god people just hate working here and will cancel for any reason possible. Which is fine with me. I think I might take the greyhound to San Francisco next weekend. I need to get out of this fucking place.

By the way, I've never actually seen an episode of the O.C. But I do love that Phantom Planet song.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have been to the Great Wall of China, I have seen the Pyramids of Egypt, I've even witnessed a grown man satisfy a camel.

some of brother james' favorite trophies!!!

AMERICAN CLASSIC

AMERICAN HERO

AMERICAN , INDEED!!!

Trophies

Sailing, America's Cup, classic, but very outdated...you know what? I love it.

I hate this trophy. First of all, it says "Sears" in larger type than it says "Champion", pretty much summing up why college football is a corporate joke at this point. Completely non-functional crystal football (that detaches by-the-way). Somebody will drop this thing, then what? This is for college football btw.

You know what this is a nice trophy, congrats to NASCAR for not completely fucking up. In fact I heard that if you can carry the beer, you can bring as much as you want into the stadium for the race. Meanwhile, if you're halfway tanked at any other sporting event you get booted. I'm coming around to this "sport". This trophy looks like a vagina, not that I've seen one before.

This is the basketball trophy, actually seems to represent it's own sport in action, which is nice. Again not a fan of gold, but it works here. Got a good thing goin' until you get down to the base, doesn't fit in with the flow of the trophy at all.

This is what you get if you win the big one in hockey, not that anyone gives a shit about hockey anymore. When's the last time you saw someone watching hockey? Best part about this trophy is that there is a silver cup on the top, so it's functional. I think the black base kind of ruins the streamline of the silver though.

The Tour de France ain't just a bike ride, it's the length of a marathon, everyday...for a month! And what do you get? A fucking ceramic and a yellow shirt.

Mark my words, someday, someone, somewhere...will be murdered by this trophy. Very phallic looking and very hard to win, considering only teams from the U.S. compete for it. Fingerprints will be smudged all over this thing and players don't care...they kiss it. Incredibly simple design.

The most respected tournament in tennis, Wimbledon. On the left, the men's cup, on the right, the women's..uh...plate? These trophies are really old and you tell just looking how frilly they are. I'll admit it though, whenever I see someone crying and holding up these trophies I get a little teary. Also, important to note is that the whole world is invited to win it.

This is the trophy that is given to the best soccer/futbol team in the world. Every four years the chance to win this trophy gives every body in the world a flu orgasm (don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about). About a foot tall, it's the smallest trophy in the bunch, but don't expect them to redesign this one anytime soon. It's curvy and symbolic of the desire that people have for it. I like this one a lot because it's designed to be passed around and kissed.

This is the trophy you get when you win the "World Series" though none other than North America is allowed to compete. Not very streamlined it looks fragile, pointy edges usually are not a very good idea a parties with large people. That said this is the trophy I've always wanted to hold. I don't know what the flags stand for (I'm guessing the teams) but they seem less than practical. I do like the base of the trophy though. I don't like the gold, can you say "old money".

This is the newly created "World Baseball Classic" trophy, this is a baseball tournament where the entire world is invited, assuming they can put a team together. I'm very much a modern art fan, but again with the pointy edges! How are you supposed to not get hurt by these trophies in the heat of celebration? The chrome reminds me of when I bought cd's and I got my fingerprints all over the liner notes. Again, I like it but I don't love it.