Monkey Adoption/growing up as a kid

I've been thinking about this a lot and I think I'm going to adopt an underprivileged monkey. I've seen lots of horrifying videos of monkeys working jobs and smoking cigarettes, this makes me angry. Monkeys were meant to be our kind hearted friends that make us laugh by doing handstands or masterbating in public. Being forced to be in television commercials is cruel, though they must like air conditioning. I will get central air for my monkey, only the best.

I used to live in a house with central air, it was really nice. but we had really old carpeting so all this dust (dead skin from fifty years ago) used to get in my nasal passages and make me bleed. It used to drive me crazy, getting bloddy noses all the time while I was growing up. I was an unruly kid growing up, one of the first times I ever masterbated I had a bloody nose and I was playing Sonic the Hedgehog on Sega Genesis, so took a timeout to rub one out with this Kleenex in my nose soaked with blood. Only I pissed myself instead of ejaculating because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. This never happens to monkeys.