who cares?

before i decided to drink my weight in high potency malt liquor Tuesday i truly did have an epiphany. there are those moments where things really do align and i am able to see something so fucking clearly, especially something that's so fucking obvious. i finally had a way to tie up a lot of loose ends and give myself a creative outlet while still being incredibly negative and incredibly true at the same time. sometimes I'm glad i take such copious notes on my own life. even up to the point that found me in a snowstorm making phone calls, some of which got through and some where i just mumbled something and hung up. who knows. i wont let it ruin my better intentions. the last 11 or 12 days have found me in much better spirits with something approaching hope for my future. that's where three thousand different ideas all kind of ran into each other. yesterday was a good old fashioned hangover, another reminder. but i will push forward. with a good idea this time and with research to do and really just SOMETHING to do besides thinking about sobriety- which is what leads to relapses anyways- i have no will power. i need this new direction. we've all got to start somewhere, pick a point and just go!!!
Bartles was right. It's about baby steps.
so i think i am going to change my focus on this blog. i will use it as a kind of journal on the writing process as i attempt to write my history ,the history of alcoholism, and the history of a city that I'll never escape from. this is where i embrace them all. ha!!!