Stratovolcano

..."You make me feel like a wash-out," I told her. "I can't be that bad! There must be some good in me."
I finally got dressed. I went to the bathroom and threw some water on my face, combed my hair. If I could only comb that face, I thought, but I can't."

Bukowski, Post Office

it's been decided that the remainder of the year will be spent in bathrobe and slippers and cowboy hat. i've no appointments. no need to be anywhere, anyways. so why pretend. i bought several packs of cigarettes today, enough for two weeks under strict ration. i am going to learn to end this daily self dissection. there really isn't as much to me as i'd like to believe. i thought about the opposite today. what if i was well and healthy and strong. i would have to quit pretending that i am terminally ill. get rid of the fucking notion. something i have followed long enough. like i've said before, it's something i was pretending to be and i eventually became. a loser. a fucking deadbeat. but i'm just not that good at it anymore. i want to be able to make logical arguments again. make enough money to not have to live on this silent street. if it's not alaska, then i'm going back to portland. i don't need to see any other part of the u.s. find a place where i can skate by & be just fine. be another king of nothing much, nothing at all.

(Sam Kinison as the angel in "It's a Bundyful Life")

in 2007: br. James Roosevelt Belmont

and Dr. Bartles E. Americana

we love the all, the all of you...